Please don't climb up there like that.

I'm feeling so imbalanced. I don't have good days and bad days. I have good moments and bad moment. Things seem to be coming together and then my brain wanders off into wild oblivion and I'm doing off thinking about a thousand different things at once and am frustrated that I can't be doing them because I feel like I should be. Logic tells me its possible to do it. Logic tells me I should do it one step at a time. I wish I was more organized. Where is God? Doesn't he see the mess I'm in? I keep moving to keep moving. I feel like I'm losing my grip on my already feeble hold on reality. School has been closed today due to a violent storm last night that I slept through. Kids are running around and I their voices frustrate me because I am already hearing too many voices in my head. I know I am very injured and need to be attended to myself yet I am painfully aware that I am the only medic on the scene. I know I'm not a professional. I'm all they have. I don't want to cause panic in my fellow victims and I'm even more afraid of seeing how badly I am hurt too. I feel otherworldly as if I was out of my body and looking in at the whole thing. My mind wanders to the van accident we had many years ago. I have a vague sense of memory as I see myself climbing up that cliff with blood gushing from my body as I frantically looked for my children. I remember how I was the only one seriously injured yet it wasn't until I was informed that my knee was destroyed that I was unable to walk. This place is a disaster. I can't stand to look at it. It is so overwhelming I have to fight the urge to escape from it. I realize that I am as I return to to my computer. I escape into my monitor disgusted with myself but comforted. I wish I could run away from my mind but there too I am too overloaded to move. As bad as it is, the thought keeps recurring to me that everything is OK but it. I don't feel OK. I feel sick. I don't know where to start. I have to start somewhere. I cave once again to the crazy urge to dig. I dig. My thoughts now wander to the World Trade Center. I see them digging through the mass of rubble. I hear their voices in my mind as they frantically throw things aside hoping to God it wasn't a loved one's arm. The questionable pile of things that looks like something important looks almost identical to the pile of rubbish. WHERE IS GOD? I keep digging. Searching. I need help. I look to the skies and the silence is deafening and terrifying.