It's Written All Over Your Face

I'm excited this morning. Amanda, my child, heard my voice and walked out of the ashes and came to me. I know now after we've talked that she came because the message she heard was "mother needs help". It sounds to me like she wasn't really hurt at all in the wreck, just pretty shook up. That's how everyone was in our van accident. I remember that awful silence after we hit that tree while I was waiting for the voices of my children to respond to my call.

We have talked so much this morning and I have more clues and so much digging to do and I'm aware again of the time and I need to put first things first. I have thought to do what I'm going to do when I sign out of here. And now I know that just like starting this blog in the middle of the natural disaster of our lives, that it's the right thing to do and I just need to do it. Now.

There was a mother once who's child was lost. Rather than put the child's face on a milk carton or take the precious time to put his picture on a flyer and nail it to posts everywhere, she had a different idea.

She took a picture of herself. She went in every place she could and she hung the picture of herself. She she went into dark bars to hang it on the bulletin boards and she tacked it on posts in wide open spaces. Where ever she found a spot, she hung a picture of the face he would recognize. On the back of it, she put her phone number..CALL HOME. One day, the child ran into the face he knew so well and finally was able to find his way home.

Now I realize a vital part of my dilemma. While I realize that my children are still out there, I am painfully aware that I am too hurt to be certain I am even the answer to their rescue. I am shaken to the core to realize that I am just as lost as they are. I see now that my children are already doing the same thing everyone does. Trying to make the best of things and make a home of their own.

Don't they know Momma's looking for them? And oh my good lord, is anyone looking for ME? I do think that that is what is hurting me so badly. I'm lost. I'm lost! IS ANYONE LOOKING FOR ME?

I think I am. I think that's who I'm really digging for. I asked amanda to read this today. The miracle of accidentally finding this on the first page of google was WIERD. No ads, no driving traffic. I accidentally typed "mommaslost" into the SEARCH engine for crying out loud! And found the familiar Dont Forget Momma page with the familiar lighthouse that Donna is known in cyber space by and the byline "watching mommma work" and I find another clue. The address of this damn thing is 'forgetmomma.blogspot.com' Forget Momma, Find Donna. I am a mother. I am the object of a GOOD man's love. I am Wilson. I'm someone's lighthouse. Most importantly today, I'm lovingly referred to as "Toaster". The person who calls me that name has been my gravity, my compass, and my hiding place...........the very things that God has been to me all this time. He's a quiet man and has very real views on things in general yet we don't share the same beliefs. Over the years, he became my best friend when there was no real reason for us to even become friends because the things we have in common are not things that can be named..it's more a sense. Having a conversation with him can be frustrating because we just simply have different life experiences on things that make it hard for us to agree. Yet we agree on one thing.......i love and trust him unconditionally and I believe he feels the same about me. In our silent communication is the reality of our profound relationship. I came to know him so well when he came to me for what I have come to find is both the greatest and the worst thing about me. That .............something I can't name that's in myself. I have asked him what exactly it was that brought him to me. When he met me, I was in full ME mode. Yet, just like the compass that speaks nothing but duly point the way, I realize that just in his being true to who he is, unwavering, he simply accepts my crazy notion that I believe he's my compass and he's pointing the way to where I need to go.

Amanda has caught the fury. I'm not alone. She is digging right now while I type! Finding clues, finding things familiar, recognizing truth. I feel encouraged. I'm not crazy or SHE IS TOO!

I'm going to listen to my heart. That's the first clue she gave me in a song. Amanda we need a place to put the clues. It's going to look a mess, but just like a mind map, we might be able to SEE a clear direction that will validate and back up what we probably know we need to do next. I need to make Wilson a Face Book page. I know it sounds crazy when ther's so much to do! Help me? All your clues are going in there, and mine too. Lets try to put the puzzle together. I'm so unsure of myself. But you're here.

Time to find wilson!