Whos going to clean this up?

What a mess this is! I look around to see who is going to clean up this disaster. This is a pig sty!

Ha. Oy vay. Pig sty. I am so weary and paranoid that I am hesitant to talk to anyone and ask for directions even from people I once was certain knew the answers. Are the signs all around me? We talked about pig sties. Here we go again. I start doing something and my brain scatters. Am I delusional and deranged or am I being divinely directed? My mind drifts constantly as I search with desperation for answers. After nearly 20 years of believing words credited to Jesus Christ more than I believed that the sky is blue, I no longer am sure how to discern what I have always already accepted as fact. I suppose it's interesting to note that it's NATURAL to look for signs when one is uncertain of where they are or where they are going. Someone has to know the truth. I am lost in the middle of nowhere with three kids. I Its the Million Dollar Question. Do I call a friend? Take away two answers? Or ask the audience? Well there is only two answers, the very few friends can only answer me with their opinion so why don't we ask the audience. The intenet! What did that rebel pirate that people either love or hate say about it? "The Internet Is Always Right" is what it said. I read that manifesto and I'm telling you, there is truth in the words of The Pirate that sounded an awful lot like the God I thought I knew too!

Right now, my path is so strewn with proverbial mental rubble I can't even move let alone go in the right direction. However this is exactly the kind of rubble that if not properly contained and disposed of is the spiritual equivalent of Chernobyl. Like one knows to favor a leg that is broken, I am keenly aware of a toxic chemical spill in my brain that is contributing to the confusion. I need to learn what exactly it is so I know to know how to prevent further devastation. I am contaminated and it devastates me to realize that in my quest to save us all, my very person is capable of poisoning everything I come in contact with.

The urge to search is overwhelming. Doesn't anyone understand that there is STUFF that needs to be done? I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!

I have to dig. I need answers. I have to find out the truth. What is the answer? We have come full circle. That is the very question I asked the ceiling a lifetime ago and actually think that God answered that question personally.

Once again, the light bulb goes on. It happened again only this time I don't trust myself at all and I am tired of going around in circles.

This morning I think I see glimmering on the horizon. I have so much to do. I don't know if that glimmer is the beacon of hope, another train coming to finish me off or just a mirage in the desert. But like a man that is dying for a drink, I am gravitating towards it.

My head has cleared enough to realize that I am not used to being in charge. There are decisions to be made. I'm exhausted to the core but I have to keep looking. I'm so desperate for relief I am torn with trying to decide what is the best way to go? I feel like I'm running out of time.

Stay and dig? Walk towards the shiny thing that seems to be calling me? Stay. Go. I feel insane and insane feels normal. I don't know what that means.

God help me.

It is time.