Please don't climb up there like that.

I'm feeling so imbalanced. I don't have good days and bad days. I have good moments and bad moment. Things seem to be coming together and then my brain wanders off into wild oblivion and I'm doing off thinking about a thousand different things at once and am frustrated that I can't be doing them because I feel like I should be. Logic tells me its possible to do it. Logic tells me I should do it one step at a time. I wish I was more organized. Where is God? Doesn't he see the mess I'm in? I keep moving to keep moving. I feel like I'm losing my grip on my already feeble hold on reality. School has been closed today due to a violent storm last night that I slept through. Kids are running around and I their voices frustrate me because I am already hearing too many voices in my head. I know I am very injured and need to be attended to myself yet I am painfully aware that I am the only medic on the scene. I know I'm not a professional. I'm all they have. I don't want to cause panic in my fellow victims and I'm even more afraid of seeing how badly I am hurt too. I feel otherworldly as if I was out of my body and looking in at the whole thing. My mind wanders to the van accident we had many years ago. I have a vague sense of memory as I see myself climbing up that cliff with blood gushing from my body as I frantically looked for my children. I remember how I was the only one seriously injured yet it wasn't until I was informed that my knee was destroyed that I was unable to walk. This place is a disaster. I can't stand to look at it. It is so overwhelming I have to fight the urge to escape from it. I realize that I am as I return to to my computer. I escape into my monitor disgusted with myself but comforted. I wish I could run away from my mind but there too I am too overloaded to move. As bad as it is, the thought keeps recurring to me that everything is OK but it. I don't feel OK. I feel sick. I don't know where to start. I have to start somewhere. I cave once again to the crazy urge to dig. I dig. My thoughts now wander to the World Trade Center. I see them digging through the mass of rubble. I hear their voices in my mind as they frantically throw things aside hoping to God it wasn't a loved one's arm. The questionable pile of things that looks like something important looks almost identical to the pile of rubbish. WHERE IS GOD? I keep digging. Searching. I need help. I look to the skies and the silence is deafening and terrifying.

Whos going to clean this up?

What a mess this is! I look around to see who is going to clean up this disaster. This is a pig sty!

Ha. Oy vay. Pig sty. I am so weary and paranoid that I am hesitant to talk to anyone and ask for directions even from people I once was certain knew the answers. Are the signs all around me? We talked about pig sties. Here we go again. I start doing something and my brain scatters. Am I delusional and deranged or am I being divinely directed? My mind drifts constantly as I search with desperation for answers. After nearly 20 years of believing words credited to Jesus Christ more than I believed that the sky is blue, I no longer am sure how to discern what I have always already accepted as fact. I suppose it's interesting to note that it's NATURAL to look for signs when one is uncertain of where they are or where they are going. Someone has to know the truth. I am lost in the middle of nowhere with three kids. I Its the Million Dollar Question. Do I call a friend? Take away two answers? Or ask the audience? Well there is only two answers, the very few friends can only answer me with their opinion so why don't we ask the audience. The intenet! What did that rebel pirate that people either love or hate say about it? "The Internet Is Always Right" is what it said. I read that manifesto and I'm telling you, there is truth in the words of The Pirate that sounded an awful lot like the God I thought I knew too!

Right now, my path is so strewn with proverbial mental rubble I can't even move let alone go in the right direction. However this is exactly the kind of rubble that if not properly contained and disposed of is the spiritual equivalent of Chernobyl. Like one knows to favor a leg that is broken, I am keenly aware of a toxic chemical spill in my brain that is contributing to the confusion. I need to learn what exactly it is so I know to know how to prevent further devastation. I am contaminated and it devastates me to realize that in my quest to save us all, my very person is capable of poisoning everything I come in contact with.

The urge to search is overwhelming. Doesn't anyone understand that there is STUFF that needs to be done? I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!

I have to dig. I need answers. I have to find out the truth. What is the answer? We have come full circle. That is the very question I asked the ceiling a lifetime ago and actually think that God answered that question personally.

Once again, the light bulb goes on. It happened again only this time I don't trust myself at all and I am tired of going around in circles.

This morning I think I see glimmering on the horizon. I have so much to do. I don't know if that glimmer is the beacon of hope, another train coming to finish me off or just a mirage in the desert. But like a man that is dying for a drink, I am gravitating towards it.

My head has cleared enough to realize that I am not used to being in charge. There are decisions to be made. I'm exhausted to the core but I have to keep looking. I'm so desperate for relief I am torn with trying to decide what is the best way to go? I feel like I'm running out of time.

Stay and dig? Walk towards the shiny thing that seems to be calling me? Stay. Go. I feel insane and insane feels normal. I don't know what that means.

God help me.

It is time.

What on in heavens name are you doing?

For many months now, I have been sitting alone in a corner trying to figure out what the hell happened to my life. Finding myself hundreds of miles away from the destruction of my home with half of my children missing in action has jolted me into a near stupor. How in the world did I get HERE? This is not what I had planned at all. I don't recognize the face that peers at me from the mirror. I'm not sure who it is and I don't think I trust her at all.

With everything I've ever believed in, stood for, counted on and loved yanked as if they were weeds from my soul, I am near mad with some sort of compulsion to find what I lost. There are no ruins for me to dig through, there are no people to ask and the God that I lived for was either dead, pissed off or nonexistent.

I think I'm lost.

How long have I been the one lost? I thought after the divorce that perhaps God had given me a second chance. I thought I was finally given the wings to fly.

We have all heard that where God closes one door, He opens a window. Always optimistic, I spread my wings in faith and took a leap.

I flew smack into a pane of glass of the only window I saw.

With the stars still circling around my head I am having a hard time surveying the damage. Suddenly it looks much worse than I thought and absolutely nothing is familiar.

I think I might be suffering some strange sort of emotional amnesia. Where are the rest of my kids? I have three that I realize I pulled from the wreckage, but who am I and who the hell is in charge? No, no, no, I demand a refund. This is not what I signed up for. I don't know what went wrong or who's responsible for this mess but I don't want it. No way. Take it, no backsies.

Yet here I am. Whoever I am. And here they are. Three young people whom I understand are my children from another life.

I check the calender. It's May. I see that no one is going to pop out and yell "April Fools!" and lead me back in time. I can't go back but I can't go forward. I'm stuck. I am frozen solid like Lot's wife when she looked back at the destrution of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Breathe. I feel myself breathing in and out but the air smells strange. Move, Donna. I force myself to move but don't have the strength to go far.

I sit. I sit in this one place and I give into the compulsion to dig. What in the world am I digging for? Looking for remains? Fossils? Trying to get to China? Maybe I'm looking for all three, I don't know. I want to go home. The harsh reality that home is really wherever I hang my hat startles me.

Home is where Mom is. A magnet with those words hung centrally on my refrigerator for years. When I think about of my older children who are still wandering around in the darkness, these are the words I try to force those words into the atmosphere just like I was God Almighty hovering over the formless and void earth. Let there be light. Home is where Mom is.

I want my mommy. Please, Mister. Will you please take back home? I'm very, very lost. I'm scared out of my mind and I'm so terribly cold. Help me.

I pinch myself. I'm awake. It's cold in here. It's dark. Where's God?